I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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