please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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