Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
