I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
