Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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