Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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