Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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