Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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