The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize