god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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