Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize