i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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