Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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