I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
