Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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