i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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