Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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