so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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