shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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