and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize