You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
