I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
whose parrot is this?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
