1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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