There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
