my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
