Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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