If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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