the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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