dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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