Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
