my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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