If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
