I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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