life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
