You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
even my farts smell like vagina
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
