i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
