Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
