that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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