idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
