i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
bring money and cleavage
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
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