I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
