Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
