chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize