ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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