you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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