I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I need a beard to bite.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
