The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
