I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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