The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
