Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
