I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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