we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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