remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
