My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
