It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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